Holy sh!t Sparky, this has been the weirdest fvcking day EVER! I tell ya, I’m never leaving Greyweed again. Yeah, I know nothing happens around here, that’s why I don’t want to go out again. You? Out there? I don’t think so. Hey, calm down, I just meant… oh yeah? Go out there! You’ll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I’ve had a rough day, is all. Okay, so it started yesterday, Good Maelstrom, it feels longer than that. Anyway, yesterday morning I was working on Marlon’s car, when Rum told me I was needed to help at the refinery. I just knew it was going to be something simple that even Tao could deal with, and sure enough, it’s a bullsh!t repair job caused by those dickheads from Edgewatch.
So that’s fine, and I’m on my way back to the Workspace when I run into Pity. She wants me to fix a pocketwatch, yeah, it’s been many years since I’ve seen one of those. I don’t know if even I can fix it, but it’s real interesting so I told her I’ll look at it, even though it means dealing with her. As I was making my way back after that, I started thinking I’d get Marlon’s car to talk to me, which is real weird as I’d promised him I’d never do that; for some reason he doesn’t feel comfortable with it. Before I could do that though, I had to deal with Monk. Hot damn he’s a douche! He told me he’s got some real nice tech from somewhere, but he won’t give it to me unless I agree to stop working on Marlon’s car. I think he means permanently! I know, Sparky! I love that car… However, after a coversation with Mr Smith later on, I have a plan to get the tech anyway. Yeah, Mr Smith. No, it’s not like that, Tao is going to be fine… better than fine, actually, she might actually learn some skills along the way.
Anyway, I got Marlon’s car to talk to me, and that’s when sh!t got real strange. My arm and mouth felt like they were burning, and I guess I passed out cos next thing I know, Dez is helping me. She’s a fantastic Angel (how did she know I was in trouble? Spooky) but I get the feeling she didn’t completely believe what happened. But she fixed me up, and then Rum told me I have to go to Edgewatch! What the fVck? But it’s orders from Mercer, so what can I do? At thought at least I might be able to catch a Hardball game; they have some good players. Definitely not to be, as I’ll get to…
So we set off, me driving the Whambulance, and a bunch of other people, I guess. As we’re driving, Mr Smith suggested I take Tao on as an apprentice, there was a reason why, but that got my brain thinking about something Monk mentioned about giving Tao his tech, and boom! A plan was formed. Remind me to speak to her later, Sparky. Not long after that, it started raining black tar, not ideal driving conditions. As we were waiting, there was a bit of a commotion outside the Whambulance, but I didn’t pay much attention… hey, that’s uncalled for. So… what was I saying? Oh, right, thanks Sparky. I had that feeling in my bones that I often get, telling me to go out into the dark, dark night. Well, there’s no arguing with my bones, and they were right as usual. I found a strange metallic structure that had some sort of glowing tech in it. Using my handy-dandy toolkit, I had that free in seconds. It was only then that I realised I wasn’t alone in this odd building. Fvcking place was a cannibal lair! And there were some in there with me! Well obviously, Sparky, I’m here telling you the story, aren’t I? I snuck up on some doing Maelstrom knows what, hoping to brain them with Jemmy. My crowbar. Yes, I call it Jemmy. Anyway, they saw me, but for some reason, thought I was one of them and offered me something I don’t even want to know what it was. Stupid inbred cannibals. It was dark, I suppose, but really, do I look like a cannibal? Huh. You’ve never seen a cannibal, so I’m going to ignore that. Thinking quickly, I sent them outside; there seemed to be some sort of gunfight going on, and I hoped those cannibals would get fvcked up. My plan worked brilliantly, as they usually do, and they got themselves blasted. Only thing left was for me to escape… turned out to be pretty easy, cos the only people left out there were from Greyweed.
Now even though I had exciting new tech, things didn’t get any better. In fact, they got wierder. We stopped by some sh!tty lake called Devil’s Water to rest, and I figured I’d get the new tech to talk to me, so I could start to figure out what the Maelstrom it was. Well, speaking of the Maelstrom, instead of passing through it like I usually do, I got stuck in the deep purple clouds with flashes of green lightning all around. Yeah, that’s right, that’s why I had the lights of the Whambulance purple and green. Fvck knows who painted the body of it those colours though, totally ruined the cool effect I was going for. Ar$eholes. Oh, all of them. No, not you Sparky. So I was stuck in the Maelstrom, with weird voices and a horrible shrieking noise that got louder and louder, and all of a sudden this voice that sounded kinda familiar told me she never really loved me. Could have been Ma, no surprise there, but it also sounded like Philippa, my sister. Now that would suck, cos we always got on pretty well before she left for Fvcking Hell. You know, I haven’t heard from her for years… I wonder if she’s still alive?
Then I blacked out again, which was even less fun than the previous time. I’m told some smelly gang member drove the Whambulance, I’m sure there’s still a faint stench in there. That guy has some serious internal problems!
By the time we got to Edgewatch I had recovered, and got to work unloading the tanker. Then Mr Smith came over to tell me that the locals think I’m a witch! What the fvck? Stupid, backwards, superstitious retards… is it my fault things talk to me? I tell ya, all the weird sh!t that the Maelstrom churns out… Pity, for example, and they call ME a witch? Retards. We headed to this sh!tty bar to wait for Marlon and Dez to do their things, and the place was full of guys with guns! Mr Smith and Pitbull, the Chopper, had a chat with some guy at the bar. I guess he insulted Pitbull or something, cos after Mr Smith went off with Marlon out the back, Pitbull smashed the guy’s head into the bar, which shut him up good. The situation could have turned uncomfortable, but then Marlon and Mr Smith finished whatever they were doing, and we left.
I guess there were no Hardball games on, cos we left town pretty much immediately. Lots of people came to see us off, which was nice.
So I was looking forward to a nice uneventful trip back to Greyweed, but the Maelstrom knows, it’s never that easy. As we’re driving back, we noticed some activity out in the wastes, and Marlon heads off one way, and Pitbull and Sh1thead… you know, he’s Pitbull’s sergeant or general or some military term. Well, I’m assuming it’s a nickname, but as I’ve never met his parents, I’m not sure, Sparky. They came back pretty quickly with some trigger-happy assholes in tow… yeah, I know, it was hard to tell who was who! So there was a bit of a gunfight going on, when suddenly my bones told me Marlon’s car was in trouble! I swung the whhel round and took off across the desert, it was only later that I remembered the stuff in the back. Oh, and the people… well, they all seem fine, so I guess it was ok. Turns out Marlon’s car needed a new radiator hose and things, and the quickest way for me to find them was to ask the Baha Racer close by. Only problem was, it had just died. I had to open my brain to the Maelstrom to talk to it’s spirit, creepy as that is. Luckily it was pretty cooperative, or so I thought, and I quickly had the parts I needed. Just as I was coming out from underneath it, the treacherous fvcker rolled on me, trapping me! I tell ya, never trust a Baha racer, even in death. With a little help I made it out, only to find a brand new sort of weirdness had developed. A truckload of armed shitheads (no, not Pitbull’s mate, pay attention Sparky) wanted me to go with them to Maelstrom knows where. Now I’ve built up a tolerance for the people of Greyweed, most of them anyway, and there’s no way I want to have to deal with a new bunch of retards. After some discussion, we decide that if I get away, the mysterious truck guys should follow without butchering everyone else. Hopefully. So with limited functioning vehicles, I jump on the back of Sh1theads bike, and we take off like a cat out of the Maelstrom. You’ve never seen a cat affected by the Maelstrom? Fvcking spooky stuff, let me tell you.
Well, all’s well that end’s well, it seems… we didn’t get caught, and I hear the others coming back now. I expect Mercer will want to see us, so I’ll go and get this over with… I want to get on with my bionic arm, amongst other things… talk to you later, Sparky!
HOLY FVCKING SH! I’ve never been so angry! Fvcking Marlon! After everything I’ve done for his car, and then he goes and sucker punches me! How is ANY of this MY fault? And then he tells everyone he’s heard I’m a kiddy-fiddler like it true and he believes it! What the FVCK?!? If anyone believes that even possible, they’re even stupider than I thought. Fvck him. Fvck him and the car he drove in in. Actually, I take that back… I still love that car. Only one good thing came out of this… it might make it easier to get that tech from Monk now… I better catch him before he hears too much… again, see you later Sparky.